Talking Big!

Well.. I have been having period cramps all day so i'm sure she will come full force between now and tomorrow. BOOO! Since this cycle was really long this coming cycle I should ovulate early. If I do ovulate early then I will be taking my test on my birthday which is two days before my next period should start. This will either be the best birthday ever or another heartbroken birthday. If this coming cycle is another bust then hubby will be going to the doctor to get checked out. Our new insurance kicks in Jan 1st and so his semen analysis should only be a $25 copay at the endocrinologist because labs are no cost. We still won't have infertility coverage, but we will have maternity coverage and will only have to pay $2000 max! So that is awesome! Maybe that is why I haven't gotten pregnant and stayed pregnant yet. God's timing is perfect and maybe this new insurance is what we've been waiting on. Who knows. If the semen analysis comes back good then I may go ahead and schedule a consult with the reproductive endocrinologist that did my HSG just to hear her thoughts. I would really love to do a couple of cycles with a trigger shot, but not sure how that works and I don't think I could be monitored because her office is like an hour and a half away to drive multiple times in a week for an ultrasound. Are you even able to do a trigger shot without monitoring? Do you have to have an IUI if you are triggering? Maybe i'll do some more research on that and see what I can find because I really don't have a clue.

I guess this is me saying.... 1 or 2 more cycles before we take that next step and see RE! I'm just sad because I wanted to do this on my own, naturally without the help of a doctor, but don't we all? I need to get out of that mind set because afterall, God created doctors for a reason I just wish they weren't so expensive!

Feeling sad..

I've been trying very hard to keep my spirits up and it was working there for a few weeks, but today I just feel sad. I feel broken hearted because I thought I would for sure have a baby by now. I'll be 24 in a few weeks and I know i'll get the "you're so young you have plenty of time" crap from a lot of people and that is ONE of the things I absolutely HATE hearing! If you are not God then DON'T tell me that. Only he knows how long I have. Since the first day we started trying I thought we'd be pregnant by that Christmas, well that came and went and nothing happened so I said we'll its only been a couple of months surely we'll have a baby or be pregnant by the next Christmas. October came and it finally happened and we were so excited, over the moon, on cloud 9 and then that baby was taken from us. So after I kind of came around I thought well I will definitely be pregnant or have a baby by next Christmas.. Well guess what? Christmas is a little over a month of way and my time is running out and we still aren't pregnant! I was 21 when we started trying and thought I would have a baby by the time I was 23 and here I am going on 24 in one month without a baby. I try to tell myself God has a plan and his timing is perfect and most of the time I believe it, but days like today I am just having a hard time with it. Not to mention the other reason i'm so sad is because of the miscarriage.. I should have a 5 month old baby right now. I should be celebrating baby's first Halloween, first thanksgiving, first Christmas, and my First birthday as a mommy and i'm not. It doesn't matter if you know for a day, a month or a year that your are pregnant or have a baby when you lose that baby it all hurts the same.

Happy November!

Its officially the HOLIDAYS! yayyyy!

First lets recap our Halloween Day! I had no idea that trick or treaters started so early!

There were literally knocks at my door and the doorbell ringing at 5:30. I didn't even get home from work until 5:15! I still had to throw the candy in the bowl and get my costume together!

I wasn't going to dress up this year, but Tyler won a $10 gift card to Halloween Express and the only thing i could find in there for under $10 was a wig. So i decided to wear all black clothes, my black wig, and red lipstick and be Morticia Addams from the Addams Family. Nobody could guess what I was. What is wrong with people these days? Didn't they watch the Addams Family?

Miss Ella dressed up too in her angel wings and halo. She hated it and we eventually took it off after about 15 minutes.

 

Now on to the fun part! Christmas decorations have begun to go up in our house! Christmas music was playing and the decorating started! There are still some more things that need to be added, but this is a start! Please excuse the stash of candy on top of the fridge. :)

 

Along with Christmas come MY BIRTHDAY! December 12th! So this year it took me forever to decide on what I want, but it finally came to me; a monogramming machine! It should be here by Tuesday or Wednesday and I can't wait! I wanted to get it early so that I could practice on it and guess what everyone is getting for Christmas? Yep, something that is monogrammed! These stockings will be also once I get that machine :)

 

I hope everyone had a great Halloween and is ready for some Christmas music, movies, decorations, and celebrations :)

Slacker!

I've been such a slacker lately and haven't posted in awhile and I've got to get better at taking more pictures of stuff so that I can post them on here! Seeing pictures is way more fun than just reading!

I've been super busy even though I just had a week break from school! I may have had a break from school, but that just meant working all day and before I knew it, today was here and it was back to the hospital for clinic.

This weekend will be a busy one as well.. My neighborhood is having our fall community garage sale! I went through all of the rooms in my house and pack away a lot of stuff to sale and i'm hoping that all of it goes this Saturday because I so don't want to have to find a place for it! I live kinda out in the middle of no where so i'm hoping that there is a good turn out. Last year I made about $200 which was pretty good for getting stuff together at the last minute. So i'm hoping to make at least $200 again this year!

As of tomorrow it will officially be ONE WEEK until Halloween! Its finally starting to get pretty chilly outside ( I live in SC where it sometimes is 80 on Christmas! boooo!) so my fireplace has been burning :)

 

Sweet baby loves the fires :) I don't have a picture with my little baby in front of it. She was cuddled up by me instead which is unusual. She loves fires too!

 

 

 My chalk board sign for Halloween!

 

I'm so excited that its FINALLY the holidays! I like Halloween, but Christmas is by far my absolute FAVORITE! I told my husband the other day he has to get up in the attic this weekend and get down my Christmas stuff. He said "why? Christmas isn't for another 2 months!" Me: "WHAT!?! DO you know who you married?"  wanting to throw the closest thing I could find at him! Christmas decorations go up November 1st and Christmas tree the day before Thanksgiving in this family! Oh, and look what I just got for our outside lights this year! So flipping excited! I can't wait to put it up. Our outside decorations will probably be going up earlier this year. I normally wait until after thanksgiving for that since Tyler has to help, but I guess we'll see.

 

 

New Church

After all of my moodiness the past week I have finally seen the light! Tyler and I have been visiting a church for a few months now after our church had to close its doors. That is an entirely different story, but it has been such a blessing. After the service on Sunday I looked at Tyler and said "Are you ready to join this church?" He looked at me and said "Are you?" I told him yes and he said, "Let's do it!" It was awesome and so unplanned! I mean we have talked about it before, but I guess it just wasn't the right time for us.
We have always went to church with his family. That is just the way it was and our church closing allowed us to "grow up" as a couple and make our own decision instead of doing it because that is what the family is doing. His parents have been visiting this same church with us, but I don't think they are ready to join yet, which is completely fine. It was just an amazing step for us!
I was incredibly proud of Tyler too. He is a Christian man and very educated about the Bible, but still in that shy stage. I've been praying and praying for God to help him become more outspoken and the spiritual leader for our family. So yesterday seeing him lead us to make that commitment to the church was so awesome!
 I am so excited to see where God continues to take us, but I feel like I'm right where I'm supposed to be at the moment and I feel like starting our family will be right around the corner.

Feeling Better

Of course, just when i'm feeling down and pissed at the world something happens and it reminds you things really are not that bad. I mean don't get me wrong it still sucks balls that we aren't pregnant yet, but at least I have other things in my life like my two precious dogs and loving husband.

My poor husband had to feel the wrath of Brittany this week as I was just mad at the world for whatever reason I could find. Once we talked about what we I wanted to do his response was "Well I really want a baby, but if this is what you want to do so you're not so stressed then we will try it for awhile." Talk about making someone feel bad.
Now that things I have calmed down some I feel like we do still need to "try" for the next 2 or 3 months since everyone has said "women tend to get pregnant the first 2-3 months after having an HSG" plus I just bought Tyler some vitamins to take that were recommended to me to help increase his "men." So we will be trying I guess you could say, but just not as in depth as we have been. I'm not going to really track my cycle but rather listen to my body. I guess we will see how it turns out.

The begining of the end

With only two days left before my period is due and I got another negative test. I have officially gone numb. my heart is broken completely and i'm ready to move on. I have said this several times and never stuck with it, but I believe i'm actually ready to do it now. If I am not pregnant this cycle which I don't believe I am then I'm done. I believe I can finally say after 3 months of whatever happens happens, 2 complete years of trying to conceive, hsg, blood work, clomid, vitamins, softcups, all those crazy methods that may work I have had enough.

 Its just time for me to move on with my life and stop living in two weeks at a time and heartache. I have to be greatful for what I have and stop being mad for what I don't. This whole process has shaken my faith BIG time and when things like that happen you have to give up whatever it is that is causing you to doubt everything you thought you knew.
I've always heard if you stop trying that is when it will happen and God wont give you more than you can handle. Well here is how I feel about that at this moment...

I don't want to hear it! I honestly hope it does happen as soon as I stop trying, but for right now until I can cool down after a few days that is not what I want to hear. And as for the God doesn't give you more than you can handle; I feel like I've reached my limit which is my reason for giving up in the first place so all that does hearing those words is make me more frustrated. So that is where I stand.

I apologize for the down posts lately. hopefully I will be in better spirits in a few days.