Talking Big!

Well.. I have been having period cramps all day so i'm sure she will come full force between now and tomorrow. BOOO! Since this cycle was really long this coming cycle I should ovulate early. If I do ovulate early then I will be taking my test on my birthday which is two days before my next period should start. This will either be the best birthday ever or another heartbroken birthday. If this coming cycle is another bust then hubby will be going to the doctor to get checked out. Our new insurance kicks in Jan 1st and so his semen analysis should only be a $25 copay at the endocrinologist because labs are no cost. We still won't have infertility coverage, but we will have maternity coverage and will only have to pay $2000 max! So that is awesome! Maybe that is why I haven't gotten pregnant and stayed pregnant yet. God's timing is perfect and maybe this new insurance is what we've been waiting on. Who knows. If the semen analysis comes back good then I may go ahead and schedule a consult with the reproductive endocrinologist that did my HSG just to hear her thoughts. I would really love to do a couple of cycles with a trigger shot, but not sure how that works and I don't think I could be monitored because her office is like an hour and a half away to drive multiple times in a week for an ultrasound. Are you even able to do a trigger shot without monitoring? Do you have to have an IUI if you are triggering? Maybe i'll do some more research on that and see what I can find because I really don't have a clue.

I guess this is me saying.... 1 or 2 more cycles before we take that next step and see RE! I'm just sad because I wanted to do this on my own, naturally without the help of a doctor, but don't we all? I need to get out of that mind set because afterall, God created doctors for a reason I just wish they weren't so expensive!

Feeling sad..

I've been trying very hard to keep my spirits up and it was working there for a few weeks, but today I just feel sad. I feel broken hearted because I thought I would for sure have a baby by now. I'll be 24 in a few weeks and I know i'll get the "you're so young you have plenty of time" crap from a lot of people and that is ONE of the things I absolutely HATE hearing! If you are not God then DON'T tell me that. Only he knows how long I have. Since the first day we started trying I thought we'd be pregnant by that Christmas, well that came and went and nothing happened so I said we'll its only been a couple of months surely we'll have a baby or be pregnant by the next Christmas. October came and it finally happened and we were so excited, over the moon, on cloud 9 and then that baby was taken from us. So after I kind of came around I thought well I will definitely be pregnant or have a baby by next Christmas.. Well guess what? Christmas is a little over a month of way and my time is running out and we still aren't pregnant! I was 21 when we started trying and thought I would have a baby by the time I was 23 and here I am going on 24 in one month without a baby. I try to tell myself God has a plan and his timing is perfect and most of the time I believe it, but days like today I am just having a hard time with it. Not to mention the other reason i'm so sad is because of the miscarriage.. I should have a 5 month old baby right now. I should be celebrating baby's first Halloween, first thanksgiving, first Christmas, and my First birthday as a mommy and i'm not. It doesn't matter if you know for a day, a month or a year that your are pregnant or have a baby when you lose that baby it all hurts the same.

Happy November!

Its officially the HOLIDAYS! yayyyy!

First lets recap our Halloween Day! I had no idea that trick or treaters started so early!

There were literally knocks at my door and the doorbell ringing at 5:30. I didn't even get home from work until 5:15! I still had to throw the candy in the bowl and get my costume together!

I wasn't going to dress up this year, but Tyler won a $10 gift card to Halloween Express and the only thing i could find in there for under $10 was a wig. So i decided to wear all black clothes, my black wig, and red lipstick and be Morticia Addams from the Addams Family. Nobody could guess what I was. What is wrong with people these days? Didn't they watch the Addams Family?

Miss Ella dressed up too in her angel wings and halo. She hated it and we eventually took it off after about 15 minutes.

 

Now on to the fun part! Christmas decorations have begun to go up in our house! Christmas music was playing and the decorating started! There are still some more things that need to be added, but this is a start! Please excuse the stash of candy on top of the fridge. :)

 

Along with Christmas come MY BIRTHDAY! December 12th! So this year it took me forever to decide on what I want, but it finally came to me; a monogramming machine! It should be here by Tuesday or Wednesday and I can't wait! I wanted to get it early so that I could practice on it and guess what everyone is getting for Christmas? Yep, something that is monogrammed! These stockings will be also once I get that machine :)

 

I hope everyone had a great Halloween and is ready for some Christmas music, movies, decorations, and celebrations :)

Slacker!

I've been such a slacker lately and haven't posted in awhile and I've got to get better at taking more pictures of stuff so that I can post them on here! Seeing pictures is way more fun than just reading!

I've been super busy even though I just had a week break from school! I may have had a break from school, but that just meant working all day and before I knew it, today was here and it was back to the hospital for clinic.

This weekend will be a busy one as well.. My neighborhood is having our fall community garage sale! I went through all of the rooms in my house and pack away a lot of stuff to sale and i'm hoping that all of it goes this Saturday because I so don't want to have to find a place for it! I live kinda out in the middle of no where so i'm hoping that there is a good turn out. Last year I made about $200 which was pretty good for getting stuff together at the last minute. So i'm hoping to make at least $200 again this year!

As of tomorrow it will officially be ONE WEEK until Halloween! Its finally starting to get pretty chilly outside ( I live in SC where it sometimes is 80 on Christmas! boooo!) so my fireplace has been burning :)

 

Sweet baby loves the fires :) I don't have a picture with my little baby in front of it. She was cuddled up by me instead which is unusual. She loves fires too!

 

 

 My chalk board sign for Halloween!

 

I'm so excited that its FINALLY the holidays! I like Halloween, but Christmas is by far my absolute FAVORITE! I told my husband the other day he has to get up in the attic this weekend and get down my Christmas stuff. He said "why? Christmas isn't for another 2 months!" Me: "WHAT!?! DO you know who you married?"  wanting to throw the closest thing I could find at him! Christmas decorations go up November 1st and Christmas tree the day before Thanksgiving in this family! Oh, and look what I just got for our outside lights this year! So flipping excited! I can't wait to put it up. Our outside decorations will probably be going up earlier this year. I normally wait until after thanksgiving for that since Tyler has to help, but I guess we'll see.

 

 

New Church

After all of my moodiness the past week I have finally seen the light! Tyler and I have been visiting a church for a few months now after our church had to close its doors. That is an entirely different story, but it has been such a blessing. After the service on Sunday I looked at Tyler and said "Are you ready to join this church?" He looked at me and said "Are you?" I told him yes and he said, "Let's do it!" It was awesome and so unplanned! I mean we have talked about it before, but I guess it just wasn't the right time for us.
We have always went to church with his family. That is just the way it was and our church closing allowed us to "grow up" as a couple and make our own decision instead of doing it because that is what the family is doing. His parents have been visiting this same church with us, but I don't think they are ready to join yet, which is completely fine. It was just an amazing step for us!
I was incredibly proud of Tyler too. He is a Christian man and very educated about the Bible, but still in that shy stage. I've been praying and praying for God to help him become more outspoken and the spiritual leader for our family. So yesterday seeing him lead us to make that commitment to the church was so awesome!
 I am so excited to see where God continues to take us, but I feel like I'm right where I'm supposed to be at the moment and I feel like starting our family will be right around the corner.

Feeling Better

Of course, just when i'm feeling down and pissed at the world something happens and it reminds you things really are not that bad. I mean don't get me wrong it still sucks balls that we aren't pregnant yet, but at least I have other things in my life like my two precious dogs and loving husband.

My poor husband had to feel the wrath of Brittany this week as I was just mad at the world for whatever reason I could find. Once we talked about what we I wanted to do his response was "Well I really want a baby, but if this is what you want to do so you're not so stressed then we will try it for awhile." Talk about making someone feel bad.
Now that things I have calmed down some I feel like we do still need to "try" for the next 2 or 3 months since everyone has said "women tend to get pregnant the first 2-3 months after having an HSG" plus I just bought Tyler some vitamins to take that were recommended to me to help increase his "men." So we will be trying I guess you could say, but just not as in depth as we have been. I'm not going to really track my cycle but rather listen to my body. I guess we will see how it turns out.

The begining of the end

With only two days left before my period is due and I got another negative test. I have officially gone numb. my heart is broken completely and i'm ready to move on. I have said this several times and never stuck with it, but I believe i'm actually ready to do it now. If I am not pregnant this cycle which I don't believe I am then I'm done. I believe I can finally say after 3 months of whatever happens happens, 2 complete years of trying to conceive, hsg, blood work, clomid, vitamins, softcups, all those crazy methods that may work I have had enough.

 Its just time for me to move on with my life and stop living in two weeks at a time and heartache. I have to be greatful for what I have and stop being mad for what I don't. This whole process has shaken my faith BIG time and when things like that happen you have to give up whatever it is that is causing you to doubt everything you thought you knew.
I've always heard if you stop trying that is when it will happen and God wont give you more than you can handle. Well here is how I feel about that at this moment...

I don't want to hear it! I honestly hope it does happen as soon as I stop trying, but for right now until I can cool down after a few days that is not what I want to hear. And as for the God doesn't give you more than you can handle; I feel like I've reached my limit which is my reason for giving up in the first place so all that does hearing those words is make me more frustrated. So that is where I stand.

I apologize for the down posts lately. hopefully I will be in better spirits in a few days.

Feeling down and guilty

Normally after church on Sundays I have a new rush of hope and positivity, but today I don't. I'm just so sad. Like I've been praying and hoping and trusting God for the past two years and trying my hardest to keep positive for others around me that are having a hard time and whose faith has been shaken or that don't believe in God and today I just feel so silly for this because if I were in their shoes and I read what "they" (I) wrote I would just laugh and say "so hows all that praying, hoping and trusting working out for ya?" Cause at this point it doesn't seem to be working for me. I hate that I feel this way and that i'm doubting God. It honestly hurts my heart that I am to this point of feeling doubt, but if i'm being honest that is what I feel. I feel forgotten. When will it be our turn? How much more do you think I can take? Why do I have to go through so much pain for such a long time? When will this "storm" end?
One year.. ok fine, year and a half ok where do you want me to go from here?, two years.. where the heck are you and how do I continue on? I honestly do not know how anyone that has been ttc longer than me do it. I really don't. I commend them on every single level. They are a much stronger person than I am. Especially if they have been able to stay strong in their faith. I need to take notes or something from them because I can't continue on this journey like this. I mean when can I catch a break?

Worst Blogger Ever!

I am such a terrible blogger! I haven't updated in a while.

We are still trying to conceive and have taken a big step! After our 3rd round of clomid and still no pregnancy I was ready to just give up and move on. My husband on the other hand was not. We have talked several times about after the first of the new year we would go have some testing done. Well, he decided just to get started now. Why wait and possible put off having a baby any longer than its already taking?

Good point. So I agreed and scheduled my HSG. This is basically just a live xray done that will allow the doctor to watch dye go through your uterus into your tubes and spill out if they are clear. I read so many horror stories about how bad it hurt and what not. I was a little freaked out when I got there, but it was not bad at all.

This is how it went down for me. I had to go to the doctor's office first to do a urine pregnancy test to make sure I was not pregnant. Then they sent me straight to the hospital to get registered. Once I was registered they took me back and got me changed into a oh so lovely gown. They got set up and the doctor came in. She explained what was about happen and then got started. It was pretty much like a pap smear to begin with. She inserted the speculum to clean off my cervix. I felt some pressure with this which is normal and what we ladies deal with once a year. After she cleaned my cervix she inserted the catheter and removed the speculum. She then started to insert the dye through the catheter and we began watching the dye pass through on the monitor. This is normally where people start to feel the pain. Its just a little bit of period cramping, but I didn't feel a thing. The dye went into my uterus and my left tube pretty quick and easily. It took a little bit longer for the dye to pass through my right tube, but it did pass through and we could see the dye spilling out from both sides! Once it was confirmed that my tubes were open she took out the catheter and we were done! It literally took maybe 5 minutes.

We did see that my uterus is "upside down" or "tilted." She said this was pretty common and should not prevent me from getting pregnant. She said as long as there was a good egg and good sperm then we should be able to get pregnant.

Once I got into the car (husband was driving) I started to google "upside down uterus" and came to find that this basically just means "retroverted" which is what most people are familiar with hearing. Most women have a uterus that tilts forward towards their bladder. Well mine tilts backwards towards my spine. This is most likely the reason for the pain during intercourse and during my menstrual cycle.

I have read tons of comments from women with retroverted uterus that have gotten pregnant with no problem. So I feel pretty good at this point. I am hoping that the dye was able to clear out any "cobwebs" and made room for the egg and sperm to meet and travel down to implant!

I am not on clomid this cycle due to having the HSG done and I was a little worried about when I would ovulate because of course I googled it and found that it has delayed ovulation for a lot of women. Well i'm pleased to say that I ovulated on cycle day 13! wooohoooo! I am currently 3 days past ovulation and hoping to finally be pregnant this cycle.

This cycle is very special to me because this is the cycle we conceived last year. I started my period the same day as last year, September 7th so my due date would be the same one, June 14th. I'm really praying hard that this will be it. It would mean the world to us to be due on the same day. It will be like God is giving us back the baby that we lost a year ago<3

onward and upward

I haven't been back to update lately because I was very heartbroken last month. I put all my faith, trust and energy into last month and when I didn't get pregnant it literally broke my heart. I got angry and hated everyone and everything. I eventually snapped out of it and realized I was just mad at myself. I let myself get in too deep. I knew God's been telling me to wait, its not the right time. I just ignored it though because I didn't want to hear that. We weren't financially where we needed to be and I wasn't where I needed to be with school.

I have two semesters of school left (woohoo) and its mostly time spent in the hospitals. In order to graduate I have to have at least 46 competencies (which are when I actually take the xray myself without no help and get graded on how well I do) some of those require me to be in the operating room on in a room where they do procedures to watch someone swallowing contrast and they use fluoroscopy. These two are something you cannot do if you are pregnant and we just learned about these procedures in the last month so I haven't been able to do them until now. So I believe that had a lot to do with it too! I now have those out of the way and only need 5 more competencies and whatever 5 I choose being pregnant wouldn't be an issue!

Also since being in school and living on just my husband's income I've been really stressed about money. I am a planner so living week to week on a paycheck stresses me out! We have done just fine and have made it with one income. It was just an adjustment I had to make. And now I just got a part time job working two days a week before school and maybe a couple hours after school. It wont be much, but its something and every little bit makes a difference. So now i'm not stressed about our financial situation anymore and I know we could afford to have a baby!

Since realizing all of this I have been so much more relaxed and less obsessed with having a baby. Don't get me wrong I still want a baby more than anything, but now I know that its a timing thing and God knows what he is doing. I just have to be patient (which is something i'm terrible at)

As for this cycle.. I took the Clomid again and I am currently on cd15 and got a positive ovulation test yesterday and today so that means I should be ovulating tonight or tomorrow! I just hope and pray this is the month :)


Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

6 days past ovulation

I ovulated on June 23rd, which makes me 6 days past ovulation! i'm so excited to see if this cycle really worked! today I was having some weird pains in my lower pelvic area on the right side so i'm hoping it will be a good sign! I have never felt these types of pains before. They weren't like ovulation pains or period pains. It was more of a stabbing or a needle stabbing me, but it wasn't severe in a hurting way. It was more of a I can definitely feel that way.

It started with just some pains in my upper leg (near the crease) and then started to move up to the pelvic area. Of course I googled pictures of where implantation happens and its in the right area so let's hope that is what it is!

So far, So good!

I am so excited that the Clomid actually did its thing so far! I have ovulated and I didn't have to wait forever for it to happen! I have read that clomid tends to delay ovulation for women that already ovulate on their own. Well.. take that because I didn't! wooohooo!

I am also thrilled because if I do happen to get pregnant this cycle (which I have a really good feeling about) I will be due on my husband's birthday! How awesome is that? Every year for the past few years when I ask him what he wants for his birthday its always a baby! Well I'm hoping that next year I'll be able to give him that gift

I just have such a good feeling about this cycle and i'm totally letting God take over. It's completely in his hands. I'm just trusting that the timing is right and we'll get a sweet baby in less than 9 months :)

The waiting game!

As the title says i'm in a waiting game! I finished my medicine for this month over a week ago and I am waiting to ovulate!  I am hoping it will be soon. I bought some ovulation tests to help pinpoint when I will ovulate. 

The symptoms that I had while taking the Clomid were not as bad as I thought they would be.  I had hot flashes like crazy which was the worst part, but other than a slight headache that would come and go and the occasional ovulation pains in my ovaries that was it!  Not too bad! 

I have been taking an ovulation test every night to see when it will be positive. I hope it does not delay ovulation like it tends to do to some people.  I am on the 13th day of my cycle and so far its still negative.  Maybe tomorrow it will be positive?

Well that is about it for now.

Doctor appointment update!

So I was suspecting that I may have endometriosis since my mother had it and a few friends of mine had it as well and my signs and symptoms were closely mimicking theirs. I never thought about having endometriosis before because my symptoms have been there for a long time and it felt "normal" to me. Guess I should have been talking about aunt flow and sex more!

I decided to get my butt in gear and make an appointment with my doctor. I did a lot of research and everything was lining up and making since.

Tuesday afternoon I get to the office and of course give a urine sample. I started telling him about what has been going on and he says, "yes that does sound like endometriosis and that the only way to know for sure if it is endometriosis is by doing Lap. surgery." Since i'm in school at the moment and have a pretty big deductible to meet I wouldn't be able to do the surgery until December.  So he said we can do one of two things..one being the surgery or two I can keep trying clomid for 6 months which is going to be like a birth control in reverse. It will help me get pregnant. He said that if the clomid is going to help me get pregnant it will do it within those 6 months or most likely not at all. He said that pregnancy is actually a good thing for endometriosis that isn't severe and will actually help me feel less pain and it will suppress it . He said that even though I read a lot about women having a hard time getting pregnant with endometriosis that those are people have severe cases and in all his years practicing he's never seen anyone that can't get pregnant because of it. He said he would check my ovaries and uterus to see if they were "floating" around which is what they want to feel we went ahead and did the exam and he said everything feels great so he doesn't think the endometriosis is severe, but with the explanation of what sex felt like he believes I may have a little bit of it starting.

So all that said that is our plan.. clomid for 6 months and if nothing in 6 months i'll go ahead with the surgery. so praying it doesn't have to get to the surgery route!

The wait continues!

So back in April I got a positive pregnancy test (well a few positive tests). We were so excited and I had Tyler look at it to make sure it was really there. I just knew this was finally it we were going to have a baby in January for the new year. WRONG! I started bleeding a few days later and my doctor confirmed a chemical pregnancy (when you get a positive test, but there is nothing ever found on an ultrasound and you start you period right after finding out). So it was back to square one again..

My doctor offered me a prescription for Clomid to take. It is supposed to help have a stronger, more predictable ovulation. So i'm hoping this will do the trick and maybe we'll have a March baby and he/she can share a birthday with daddy :)

We still miss our little one that we lost in October so very much. The due date (June 14th) is slowly approaching and I can't help but think of how he or she should be entering the world any day. However, I know God has a plan for us and he knows the reasons behind the miscarriage that we can't see. I'm ok with that because I trust him!

I can't wait so share this journey with everyone and hope that I will be reporting soon that i'm pregnant with a sweet, sweet blessing!

GOD BLESS

Been Awhile

Its been awhile since i've been on here to update, but I promise to get better! We still miss our sweet baby every day and wish we could bring him/her back. We decided during the New Year that we were going to start trying again and told our friends and family about it! We are very excited although worried because it may take awhile!
I am halfway through my last semester of my first year! YAYYYYY! I can't wait to be graduating! I really dislike school! We figured that since i'm pretty much done with my first year that if we were to get pregnant now baby wouldn't be due until November/December and I would only have one more semester to go. The very last semester of school is only clinic days so I would only be gone 3 days a week vs. 5 and then I would be done until I started working. So it wouldn't be hard or stressful with a baby!
We are very excited and hope we do not have to wait too long before we are blessed with a miracle :)