Slacker!

I've been such a slacker lately and haven't posted in awhile and I've got to get better at taking more pictures of stuff so that I can post them on here! Seeing pictures is way more fun than just reading!

I've been super busy even though I just had a week break from school! I may have had a break from school, but that just meant working all day and before I knew it, today was here and it was back to the hospital for clinic.

This weekend will be a busy one as well.. My neighborhood is having our fall community garage sale! I went through all of the rooms in my house and pack away a lot of stuff to sale and i'm hoping that all of it goes this Saturday because I so don't want to have to find a place for it! I live kinda out in the middle of no where so i'm hoping that there is a good turn out. Last year I made about $200 which was pretty good for getting stuff together at the last minute. So i'm hoping to make at least $200 again this year!

As of tomorrow it will officially be ONE WEEK until Halloween! Its finally starting to get pretty chilly outside ( I live in SC where it sometimes is 80 on Christmas! boooo!) so my fireplace has been burning :)

 

Sweet baby loves the fires :) I don't have a picture with my little baby in front of it. She was cuddled up by me instead which is unusual. She loves fires too!

 

 

 My chalk board sign for Halloween!

 

I'm so excited that its FINALLY the holidays! I like Halloween, but Christmas is by far my absolute FAVORITE! I told my husband the other day he has to get up in the attic this weekend and get down my Christmas stuff. He said "why? Christmas isn't for another 2 months!" Me: "WHAT!?! DO you know who you married?"  wanting to throw the closest thing I could find at him! Christmas decorations go up November 1st and Christmas tree the day before Thanksgiving in this family! Oh, and look what I just got for our outside lights this year! So flipping excited! I can't wait to put it up. Our outside decorations will probably be going up earlier this year. I normally wait until after thanksgiving for that since Tyler has to help, but I guess we'll see.

 

 

New Church

After all of my moodiness the past week I have finally seen the light! Tyler and I have been visiting a church for a few months now after our church had to close its doors. That is an entirely different story, but it has been such a blessing. After the service on Sunday I looked at Tyler and said "Are you ready to join this church?" He looked at me and said "Are you?" I told him yes and he said, "Let's do it!" It was awesome and so unplanned! I mean we have talked about it before, but I guess it just wasn't the right time for us.
We have always went to church with his family. That is just the way it was and our church closing allowed us to "grow up" as a couple and make our own decision instead of doing it because that is what the family is doing. His parents have been visiting this same church with us, but I don't think they are ready to join yet, which is completely fine. It was just an amazing step for us!
I was incredibly proud of Tyler too. He is a Christian man and very educated about the Bible, but still in that shy stage. I've been praying and praying for God to help him become more outspoken and the spiritual leader for our family. So yesterday seeing him lead us to make that commitment to the church was so awesome!
 I am so excited to see where God continues to take us, but I feel like I'm right where I'm supposed to be at the moment and I feel like starting our family will be right around the corner.

Feeling Better

Of course, just when i'm feeling down and pissed at the world something happens and it reminds you things really are not that bad. I mean don't get me wrong it still sucks balls that we aren't pregnant yet, but at least I have other things in my life like my two precious dogs and loving husband.

My poor husband had to feel the wrath of Brittany this week as I was just mad at the world for whatever reason I could find. Once we talked about what we I wanted to do his response was "Well I really want a baby, but if this is what you want to do so you're not so stressed then we will try it for awhile." Talk about making someone feel bad.
Now that things I have calmed down some I feel like we do still need to "try" for the next 2 or 3 months since everyone has said "women tend to get pregnant the first 2-3 months after having an HSG" plus I just bought Tyler some vitamins to take that were recommended to me to help increase his "men." So we will be trying I guess you could say, but just not as in depth as we have been. I'm not going to really track my cycle but rather listen to my body. I guess we will see how it turns out.

The begining of the end

With only two days left before my period is due and I got another negative test. I have officially gone numb. my heart is broken completely and i'm ready to move on. I have said this several times and never stuck with it, but I believe i'm actually ready to do it now. If I am not pregnant this cycle which I don't believe I am then I'm done. I believe I can finally say after 3 months of whatever happens happens, 2 complete years of trying to conceive, hsg, blood work, clomid, vitamins, softcups, all those crazy methods that may work I have had enough.

 Its just time for me to move on with my life and stop living in two weeks at a time and heartache. I have to be greatful for what I have and stop being mad for what I don't. This whole process has shaken my faith BIG time and when things like that happen you have to give up whatever it is that is causing you to doubt everything you thought you knew.
I've always heard if you stop trying that is when it will happen and God wont give you more than you can handle. Well here is how I feel about that at this moment...

I don't want to hear it! I honestly hope it does happen as soon as I stop trying, but for right now until I can cool down after a few days that is not what I want to hear. And as for the God doesn't give you more than you can handle; I feel like I've reached my limit which is my reason for giving up in the first place so all that does hearing those words is make me more frustrated. So that is where I stand.

I apologize for the down posts lately. hopefully I will be in better spirits in a few days.

Feeling down and guilty

Normally after church on Sundays I have a new rush of hope and positivity, but today I don't. I'm just so sad. Like I've been praying and hoping and trusting God for the past two years and trying my hardest to keep positive for others around me that are having a hard time and whose faith has been shaken or that don't believe in God and today I just feel so silly for this because if I were in their shoes and I read what "they" (I) wrote I would just laugh and say "so hows all that praying, hoping and trusting working out for ya?" Cause at this point it doesn't seem to be working for me. I hate that I feel this way and that i'm doubting God. It honestly hurts my heart that I am to this point of feeling doubt, but if i'm being honest that is what I feel. I feel forgotten. When will it be our turn? How much more do you think I can take? Why do I have to go through so much pain for such a long time? When will this "storm" end?
One year.. ok fine, year and a half ok where do you want me to go from here?, two years.. where the heck are you and how do I continue on? I honestly do not know how anyone that has been ttc longer than me do it. I really don't. I commend them on every single level. They are a much stronger person than I am. Especially if they have been able to stay strong in their faith. I need to take notes or something from them because I can't continue on this journey like this. I mean when can I catch a break?

Worst Blogger Ever!

I am such a terrible blogger! I haven't updated in a while.

We are still trying to conceive and have taken a big step! After our 3rd round of clomid and still no pregnancy I was ready to just give up and move on. My husband on the other hand was not. We have talked several times about after the first of the new year we would go have some testing done. Well, he decided just to get started now. Why wait and possible put off having a baby any longer than its already taking?

Good point. So I agreed and scheduled my HSG. This is basically just a live xray done that will allow the doctor to watch dye go through your uterus into your tubes and spill out if they are clear. I read so many horror stories about how bad it hurt and what not. I was a little freaked out when I got there, but it was not bad at all.

This is how it went down for me. I had to go to the doctor's office first to do a urine pregnancy test to make sure I was not pregnant. Then they sent me straight to the hospital to get registered. Once I was registered they took me back and got me changed into a oh so lovely gown. They got set up and the doctor came in. She explained what was about happen and then got started. It was pretty much like a pap smear to begin with. She inserted the speculum to clean off my cervix. I felt some pressure with this which is normal and what we ladies deal with once a year. After she cleaned my cervix she inserted the catheter and removed the speculum. She then started to insert the dye through the catheter and we began watching the dye pass through on the monitor. This is normally where people start to feel the pain. Its just a little bit of period cramping, but I didn't feel a thing. The dye went into my uterus and my left tube pretty quick and easily. It took a little bit longer for the dye to pass through my right tube, but it did pass through and we could see the dye spilling out from both sides! Once it was confirmed that my tubes were open she took out the catheter and we were done! It literally took maybe 5 minutes.

We did see that my uterus is "upside down" or "tilted." She said this was pretty common and should not prevent me from getting pregnant. She said as long as there was a good egg and good sperm then we should be able to get pregnant.

Once I got into the car (husband was driving) I started to google "upside down uterus" and came to find that this basically just means "retroverted" which is what most people are familiar with hearing. Most women have a uterus that tilts forward towards their bladder. Well mine tilts backwards towards my spine. This is most likely the reason for the pain during intercourse and during my menstrual cycle.

I have read tons of comments from women with retroverted uterus that have gotten pregnant with no problem. So I feel pretty good at this point. I am hoping that the dye was able to clear out any "cobwebs" and made room for the egg and sperm to meet and travel down to implant!

I am not on clomid this cycle due to having the HSG done and I was a little worried about when I would ovulate because of course I googled it and found that it has delayed ovulation for a lot of women. Well i'm pleased to say that I ovulated on cycle day 13! wooohoooo! I am currently 3 days past ovulation and hoping to finally be pregnant this cycle.

This cycle is very special to me because this is the cycle we conceived last year. I started my period the same day as last year, September 7th so my due date would be the same one, June 14th. I'm really praying hard that this will be it. It would mean the world to us to be due on the same day. It will be like God is giving us back the baby that we lost a year ago<3

onward and upward

I haven't been back to update lately because I was very heartbroken last month. I put all my faith, trust and energy into last month and when I didn't get pregnant it literally broke my heart. I got angry and hated everyone and everything. I eventually snapped out of it and realized I was just mad at myself. I let myself get in too deep. I knew God's been telling me to wait, its not the right time. I just ignored it though because I didn't want to hear that. We weren't financially where we needed to be and I wasn't where I needed to be with school.

I have two semesters of school left (woohoo) and its mostly time spent in the hospitals. In order to graduate I have to have at least 46 competencies (which are when I actually take the xray myself without no help and get graded on how well I do) some of those require me to be in the operating room on in a room where they do procedures to watch someone swallowing contrast and they use fluoroscopy. These two are something you cannot do if you are pregnant and we just learned about these procedures in the last month so I haven't been able to do them until now. So I believe that had a lot to do with it too! I now have those out of the way and only need 5 more competencies and whatever 5 I choose being pregnant wouldn't be an issue!

Also since being in school and living on just my husband's income I've been really stressed about money. I am a planner so living week to week on a paycheck stresses me out! We have done just fine and have made it with one income. It was just an adjustment I had to make. And now I just got a part time job working two days a week before school and maybe a couple hours after school. It wont be much, but its something and every little bit makes a difference. So now i'm not stressed about our financial situation anymore and I know we could afford to have a baby!

Since realizing all of this I have been so much more relaxed and less obsessed with having a baby. Don't get me wrong I still want a baby more than anything, but now I know that its a timing thing and God knows what he is doing. I just have to be patient (which is something i'm terrible at)

As for this cycle.. I took the Clomid again and I am currently on cd15 and got a positive ovulation test yesterday and today so that means I should be ovulating tonight or tomorrow! I just hope and pray this is the month :)


Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.